Everything is so fucked up. I’m so damn tired of everything being so complicated. Every time I feel I finally found out how to act around you, something messes everything up.
Now here what’s going on for me: I told you I loved you, and even though I wasn’t really expecting the same from you, it still fucking hurt as hell when you said nothing, when your face remained unshaken, complete poker face. Now here’s why I blame you: you said that you feared that moment so much. I don’t know whether you were confused or trying to be honest but, seriously? Is that all you’ve got to answer? Do you realize how painful that was, that all of my feelings were seen, not only as something unwanted and embarrassing, but threatening, annoying, a fucking nuisance, when it took so much courage for me to spill it out. And finally, added to that total lack of empathy, if you feared that moment, then why the fuck did you acted so ambiguously??? Seriously, you cannot act the way you did around a girl who might be in love with you, you just don’t. You make things clear, you establish boundaries and shit, you don’t go around telling her that she’s pretty and that you think you have an ‘intimate’ relationship even though you mean it in a friendly way.
Finally, I’m just astonished by the fact that you have nothing to say about it.
It kills me that nothing changed in our behavior between the day I told you and the next morning. I can’t go on pretending nothing changed because things did changed. Now that I wanna talk to you, you’re scared and acting as if you weren’t because you want things to be cool and you’re so damn frightened that the situation might change. But, hello, it will change anyway. I’m not gonna express my love again, rest assure, I just need to tell you that I am ready to move on, because this is important to both of us I think. I need to tell you that I’m mad at you for acting like shit, but that I finally grasped a future in which we would be friends and as close as now, in which I wouldn’t love you.
I just hate that you go around pretending everything is fine when loving you and being rejected influenced so much the way I act around you. I can’t talk back to you, criticize you as I used to do, and I think too much, care too much about your opinion, every twitch of your mood. I’m finally seeing a way out of that but it can only work if you listen to me and agree to put a new milestone here, to acknowledge that something happened.
Hoping we will finally sort our way outta here,